


Aftershocks

by BroImLooking



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Drug Withdrawal, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Mute Gordon Freeman, References to Drugs, full disclaimer here: this fic is about gordon dealing with morphine withdrawals, set vaguely during hl2, taking liberties with canon here folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:15:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25216084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BroImLooking/pseuds/BroImLooking
Summary: Gordon needs to take a break. Unfortunately, problems arise even when he's not fighting for his life. Luckily, he has a friend there to help.please read the tags! this fic deals heavily with drug withdrawal
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 11
Kudos: 180





	Aftershocks

Gordon didn’t understand why, exactly, everyone was so insistent on him getting rest. The looming threat of the total annihilation of all of Earth's inhabitants and beyond weighed so heavily on his mind that he felt like if he thought about it for too long, he was positive he’d crumble to pieces.

And then where would they be? He averted his gaze from the curious, awed eyes of the people that practically worshiped him. The “One Free Man.” Bullshit, he knew, but nevertheless he was a symbol. He didn’t want to think of what would happen if these people already on the verge of losing hope saw him break down. It was so surreal. To see the mix of the familiar skeleton of the world he knew being held together with bizarre alien technology that he’d become uncomfortably acquainted with in the past few weeks. It wasn't pleasant to think about. 

His entire brain was focused on trying to keep himself from collapsing from the pain (how long had it been since the morphine had worn off?). His ankle and wrist ached, and he sincerely hoped that they were sprained and not broken. Not to mention the countless bruises and burns and scrapes and bites that littered his body where his suit had failed to protect him. That wouldn’t be a good look though, would it? For the people’s icon of freedom to be unable to handle a few pulled muscles? 

He was so lost in thought that he was completely caught off-guard by a firm, calloused hand wrapping around his (thankfully uninjured) wrist. 

Panicked, he yanked his arm back and fell into a defensive position, reaching for a gun that wasn’t there. His mind whirled a mile a minute, before he realized that the angry alien aggressor he was fearing was only a startled Barney, who released him quickly. 

He was hyper-aware of the awkward tension that filled the air, and all of the heavy gazes that weighed on him with fascination. Of course he was on edge, everyone was! Why were people looking at him like that? 

Not meeting Barney’s eyes, he quickly signed, ignoring the twinge of pain in his left wrist at the sudden movement, ‘Sorry. Wasn’t paying attention.’

“I’m sorry for grabbing you like that, Gordon. No need to apologize. I was just worried when I kept sayin’ your name and you didn’t respond.” Barney glanced over at the curious eyes, and leaned in closer to Gordon, dropping his voice to a whisper. “How about I get you some privacy, alright?” The soft, friendly concern in his tone nearly made Gordon crack then and there. He nodded, trying his best to avoid acknowledging the staring. 

The base of operations that they were at was small. Just a little hotel with most of the windows boarded up to prevent anything unwanted getting in. The windows that weren’t blocked off had guards with guns stationed keeping watch. Gordon’s head ached, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the sudden absence of the loud noises he’d grown used to or the morphine withdrawal. Judging by the ringing in his ears and how out of it he felt, he was going to assume a mix of both. 

Barney led him to a small hotel room. It was uninhabited, but it seemed as though someone had gone through the effort of gathering extra blankets and bottles of water for him. Despite the grime that generally covered everything in the hotel, the room seemed as if it had been hastily tidied. There were a few mostly-empty bottles of cleaner scattered on the floor that he inspected curiously. Most people didn’t bother with such things during the end of the world as they knew it.

“Figured you’d have a better night’s rest if the place was cleaner,” Barney said, noticing Gordon’s staring. He nodded towards the small pile of blankets, “Plus, I know how cold you tend to get. Was the least I could do for our little hero boy,” he said teasingly. Despite the lighthearted tone, the words still struck a nerve with Gordon. He didn’t want to be put on a pedestal. He knew he was on the verge of collapse, and he didn’t want people to be negatively affected when he inevitably let them down. 

He realized he’d zoned out again when he blinked and Barney was in his face, his pretty green and brown eyes full of concern. 

“There you are, doc. Where’d your mind wander off to?” His voice was soft and dripping with worry. Gordon felt the familiar burn in his cheeks return as he waved him away before signing.

‘Sorry. Thinking about things,’ he tried to explain, shaking his head. ‘Did you do all of this for me?’ he felt a strange churn in his stomach and averted his eyes as Barney’s face broke into a smile and he nodded. 

“Of course. Let’s get you settled in, alright? I found an old DVD player and a few movies we could check out if you wanted. Help you relax a bit,” Barney said, sounding perfectly content as he guided Gordon into the room with a gentle hand on his shoulder. As though there weren’t a war going on. As though he looked so different (in a good way, Gordon couldn’t help but notice. He’d aged remarkably well) that it was a little disorienting to tie him back to the man he’d been so familiar with what felt like only a few months prior.

“I’ve been looking for you for a while. You’re pretty hard to find without your suit, you know that? Most people don’t even know what you look like when you’re wearing civilian clothes. I think old t-shirts and comfortable pants suit you better anyways,” Barney rambled on, his voice comforting even though he wasn’t saying anything important, really. 

Gordon settled down on the old couch in front of the even older television. Barney had hooked up the slightly damaged and dusty DVD player to the ancient thing, and it seemed to work. It was jarring to see something so familiar. Gordon felt as if he were experiencing culture shock, albeit a very bizarre one, and to see something so familiar filled him with a deep melancholy. 

Barney continued to chat to Gordon, but he felt as though he were disconnected entirely from what was happening. He blinked at Barney, unable to comprehend his words. He felt a dull sense of panic, but that too felt distant. The world was gone, he knew. Not literally of course. But his home? Destroyed. Almost everyone that he knew was dead. The people that he did know were different. He felt his heart begin to race as dread settled in. 

It had only taken a few weeks, in his eyes, for the entire world to change. Everyone else seemed to know exactly what was going on, but despite what the G-Man had told him he was still mostly lost. It felt… Well, it felt as though he’d been ripped out of his own reality and placed back in a different universe. He didn’t even get the proper opportunity to mourn the world, because he was thrown out into battle immediately.

He heard Barney mumble something even quieter than before (he was still talking?), and Gordon jumped slightly when he felt him settle onto the couch beside him. After a few moments of struggling to figure out what emotions he was feeling, he carefully leaned against Barney’s comfortably soft side. Seemingly taking it as an invitation, Barney wrapped an arm around him, and Gordon slowly felt as though he were coming back to himself. He blinked hard to clear out the tears that were beginning to build up on the outer edges of his vision. He felt uncomfortably clammy, as though he were too cold and too hot all at once.

The couch wasn’t soft, but the rough, absorbent fabric felt good against his sweaty hands, and he rubbed them over the material quietly. After a few moments of staring at the quiet television screen (some cute little cartoon that Gordon didn’t recognize, involving some strange doglike people), he shakily raised his hands to sign. 

‘What movie is this?’ He asked, trying to strike some semblance of normalcy. Barney shrugged. 

“Some cartoon that’s supposed to be about a family road trip. Looked mighty cute, and I figured it would be relaxing,” Barney said nonchalantly, looking at the screen. Gordon felt a harsh pang in his chest when he recalled the last time they’d watched a movie together, all snuggled up close. He didn’t even remember what the movie was about, because he and Barney had argued about the existence of aliens throughout the entire thing (he supposed Barney had been right on that one, but Gordon didn’t feel like bringing it up, funnily enough), their words heated and passionate despite how closely they’d been intertwined. Gordon had felt safe, in the moment. He wanted to feel that again.

He shifted and rested his head against Barney’s shoulder, shifting his body so that he had as much physical contact as he could manage without being too obvious. Despite the awkward angle due to the height difference (he was still a good few inches taller than Barney, even if it was less obvious when they were sitting down), it was incredibly comforting and familiar.

Or it was, before he realized how tense Barney was underneath him. Suddenly feeling a wave of self-consciousness and guilt, he pulled away from him quickly, signing a hasty apology for crossing his boundaries. Barney definitely did look uncomfortable, and he retracted the arm he had wrapped around Gordon. 

Gordon bit his lip and averted his eyes, trying to ignore the sudden awkward tension in the air and trying instead to focus on the movie. It was, admittedly, very cute. Gordon was positive he would’ve liked it if he had any clue what was going on and he was watching it at a time where he didn’t know the world was ending. Or maybe he was just too critical. The animation was easy on his eyes, anyways.

“Gordon, listen. We need to talk,” Barney said after several minutes. Gordon felt as though all of the contents in his stomach were solidifying. 

What felt like a lifetime ago (even though from his perspective was barely a few months back), Gordon and Barney had practically been dating, though they were hesitant to put a label on it. Gordon had accepted that after twenty years Barney had definitely moved on since then, but he’d hoped that he would still be fine with the soft, casual intimacy Gordon was used to.

Gordon wasn’t upset (that wasn’t true, though, was it? He felt like crying or growling or swearing already. He felt like standing up and walking away as far away from the inevitable rejection this conversation would bring as he physically could. he-)

Gordon was brought out of his thoughts by firm but gentle hands on both of his shoulders. He blinked and was shocked to find that he was crying. Ah, the straw that broke the camel’s back. He wiped his eyes fruitlessly, grateful that he wasn’t outright sobbing at the very least. 

Barney was trying to meet his eyes, saying his name repeatedly to catch his attention, but Gordon couldn’t collect his thoughts enough to do much more with his hands than clench his fists to keep them from trembling. He felt like a raw nerve being prodded with tweezers. Thoroughly embarrassed now, he blinked away the tears. His glasses were smudged.

His hands were so shaky that he had to sign what he was trying to say twice in order for Barney to understand him, which only made him feel more frustrated.‘I’m sorry. It’s just been a rough few days.’ He wasn’t angry at Barney, necessarily just… Everything. 

“It’s okay, Gordon. I’m sorry I upset you, but we do need to talk about…” Barney released his shoulders, looking awkward. “It’s been a long time, since we’ve really talked, you know? Twenty years is… Well, it’s not something we can just shrug off.” He released his hold on Gordon’s shoulders.

“I’ve been through too much to be the same person, and you’re… Still so young. I feel like neither of us even know each other anymore.” Barney averted his gaze. Gordon clenched his fists tighter, digging his dull nails into his skin. He felt irritated at his words despite knowing that it was true. He wanted to punch something (not Barney, of course. He didn’t think he could ever forgive himself if he did that), and he had to take a moment and breathe himself to calm down.

Gordon tapped him a bit more aggressively than was necessary to get his attention (internally screaming at himself to calm down) and signed, ‘Neither of us are the same person. Don’t talk down to me. I didn’t ask to be held against my will in stasis for decades. How do you think I felt coming back to see everyone I’d ever known had moved on without me? And now suddenly everyone is looking at me like I’m some kind of fucking messiah. And you guys want me to take a break but I feel so sick and dizzy and confused right now and I don’t know what’s wrong and I’m so angry-’ Barney gently took Gordon’s hands, cutting him off. Gordon didn’t want to pull away despite the uncomfortable strain it put on his painful wrist. He was distressingly touch-starved. 

His grip on him wasn’t so firm that Gordon couldn’t pull away and continue his rant, but it was a clear message. “Calm down, Doc,” Barney said, softly, and Gordon felt himself crumble a little bit more. “I’m not trying to downplay what you’re going through, I promise. I shouldn’t have phrased it like that. I just think we should get more familiar with each other before we go jumping into each others’ beds like we used to, you know?” Barney gently rubbed the sore, bruised joints of Gordon’s knuckles with his calloused fingers. 

Gordon loved how cool and dry Barney’s hands felt. They felt so right, wrapped around his own, smaller hands. Unfortunately, he needed to talk, so he steeled himself and slipped them out of his grasp.

‘You’ve saved countless people, Barney. I don’t blame you for the things you had to do while undercover, and you know that.’ He hesitated for a few moments, before adding, ‘If you didn’t want to be physically affectionate with me you could’ve just said so.’ Gordon scooted a little further away from him to emphasize the point. ‘Don’t lie to protect my feelings.’

“Look, I just don’t want to make things uncomfortable. Plus, the age thing…” Barney grimaced. “I’m nearly twice your age now, aren’t I? It’s just a little…” He trailed off, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. It was true, Gordon had to admit. While not the craziest age difference, Barney was clearly much older than him. His greying hair and slight wrinkles and dad bod certainly were a contrast to Gordon, who’s only grey hairs had come from stress, and otherwise looked entirely his age.

Gordon huffed. ‘I’m twenty-seven, Barney.’ He punctuated this by emphasizing his sign for Barney’s name aggressively. ‘It would be different if I were in my early twenties, but I’m nearly thirty. You’re really treating me like a child, even after all the shit I’ve been through?’ Gordon had a feeling that he would be yelling if he had the ability to. He was more hurt than angry, but just the idea of Barney infantilizing him, even after all they’ve been through (separate and together) made him feel sick. 

Literally. His entire body was wracked with chills. Gooseflesh spread across his skin as he shuddered. His eyes continued to tear up, though he didn’t feel like he was upset-crying anymore. His eyes just felt irritated. He hated that it still looked like he was crying.

“That’s not what I meant at all, Gordon. You- Are you alright?” Barney asked, his voice going from defensive to concerned instantly. Gordon didn’t think he was alright. He was suddenly incredibly cold, and felt nauseous. He didn’t want to argue anymore. He shouldn’t even be pressing the point, really. If Barney didn’t want to be physically affectionate anymore, he had no right to be upset, really. He shuddered and shrugged helplessly, balling his hands into tight fists once again, letting the ache keep him grounded. He tried to sign that he was okay, but his hands were so jittery that Barney clearly didn’t believe him.

“You look like you’re coming down with something, Doc. I think I should get a medic in here, alright? You sit tight.” And before Gordon could even properly register what he was saying, he was alone in the room, with nothing but the tinny sound of the cartoon that he’d forgotten was on and a rapidly fading patch of warm next to him where Barney had been sitting. The music for the end credits of the movie was the only sound in the room, aside from the distant chatter of his wall neighbors.

After a few moments of staring at the empty space beside him, he stood up, ignoring the deep ache in all of his muscles, and practically stumbled over to the pile of blankets on the bed. There were three of the things, all of them smelling surprisingly clean. He gathered them up and laid underneath them, hoping to get rid of the deep chill that had crept over him over the past hour or so. Unfortunately, this only made the sweating worse. Was he sick? He had to be. Maybe jumping forward in time twenty years had left his immune system unprepared for any new diseases-

His thinking was cut off by the sound of the door opening, and he went still. He was well hidden underneath the blankets, and his heart pounded despite him knowing logically that nothing bad was going to happen to him while he was here (right? He’d thought he was safe at Black Mesa too, and then-). He heard the familiar southern drawl of Barney, and relaxed moderately. He sat up from where he was under the blankets, adjusting his glasses. 

A concerned woman in a medic outfit hovered in the doorway awkwardly for a few moments. As with many others, she seemed fascinated by him. Gordon felt distinctly uncomfortable. After a few moments, though, she snapped out of her trance and started walking toward him, and Gordon flinched back slightly. She stopped where she was and offered him a nervous smile. Gordon hated the look in her eyes. A mix of awe and concern that he knew he didn’t deserve. 

“I heard you weren’t feeling too well, Doctor Freeman.” Her voice was slow and comforting, but it did nothing to settle Gordon’s sensitive nerves. 

‘I might have a stomach bug or something similar,’ he signed tiredly. The medic looked mystified, and turned a glance towards Barney, clearly asking for a translation. That did nothing to improve Gordon’s mood, and he crossed his arms around himself as he listened to Barney repeating what he said, alongside elaborating on his symptoms. 

“Alright, Doctor Freeman. I’m going to check your vitals. Is that alright?” She stepped closer to him, and Gordon nodded, getting out from underneath the blankets. They hardly helped, anyways. He still felt cold and hot and miserable. 

Some hero he was. Wearing a ratty t-shirt and sweatpants. Trembling and sweating at the same time. He felt physically like he was on the verge of tears but mentally like he just wanted to sleep. He was sure the people that were desperately in need of a hero were incredibly impressed with him. 

After taking his pulse and shining a light in his eyes, Gordon began to feel restless, but he tried his best to stay still. He hated when people he didn’t feel comfortable around touched him. 

“Are you experiencing any cramps or nausea?” She asked, her voice still kind, but now much more professional and less awed. Gordon nodded, signing that he felt nauseous (helpfully translated by Barney, who had taken to leaning against a nearby wall). She looked a bit more visibly concerned when she noted that he was covered in chillbumps and sweating. 

She asked him about his watery eyes, and he just shrugged, feeling uncomfortable with the line of questioning. He didn’t want her to spread the news of him crying, and he tiredly rubbed at his tearstained face. He felt raw.

“Doctor Freeman, how long has it been since you’ve sustained significant injury while wearing the HEV suit?” She asked, scribbling a few things down on a clipboard she had brought in. He thought for a few moments, still finding it difficult to keep track of time. Most of the time he was out on the field, he was completely out of it, going on autopilot. He never truly felt in control of himself in those moments. He supposed he should feel grateful for the emotional distance.

Over the past weeks, he had been going from warzone to warzone, and he had a large collection of injuries to show from it. The last major injury he could think of was when he’d injured his wrist about ten hours ago when he was on the way to this base, but he’d been so high on morphine the entire time that he had barely noticed until the HEV suit helpfully informed him of that when he found himself unable to grip the rungs of a ladder as well as he normally could. He explained this (to Barney, who spoke what he was saying out loud), and her concern only seemed to deepen. 

“Doctor Freeman, do you…” She trailed off, looking a bit nervous as to how he’d take the news. That didn’t help his nerves at all. “This isn’t my exact area of expertise, but I’m pretty certain that the symptoms you’re experiencing are from withdrawal. The HEV suit provides a dose of morphine once you go above a certain threshold of pain, correct? It seems that the large amount your body has been taking in has caused you to form a dependence. Unfortunately, with our limited time and resources we simply don’t have the means to put you through rehab. However, I’m sure that there is something we can do to help. I’ll consult the other medics and scientists to see if there’s any way we can provide help. Until then… Stay hydrated, I suppose. If you need any rations, I’m sure you and Mister Calhoun could figure something out.”

Gordon’s mind blanked for a few moments as he struggled to comprehend what she’d said. He noticed numbly that the medic exchanged a few words with Barney, and she stood still for a moment as she wrote down more notes. Gordon stared at his bruised hands, opening and closing them slowly, using the slight pain as an anchor. 

“You just can’t catch a break, can you Doc?” Barney said, his voice full of soft, genuine sympathy as he settled onto the bed beside him. “Do you want a hug? I think you deserve a hug.”

Gordon hadn’t forgotten that they had just been arguing barely a half hour before, but he couldn’t care less. He practically collapsed against Barney’s chest, taking guilty pleasure in how wonderful it felt to have Barney’s strong arms wrapped around him. 

He heard the medic say something, and he experienced the wonderful sensation of hearing Barney talk as he pressed his ear against his chest. He was so soft and warm and… He realized that he’d completely lost track of the conversation, but he heard the door open and close as the medic exited. 

“I’m sorry for pushing you earlier when you were clearly struggling with something,” Barney murmured, pulling away to look down at where Gordon had curled up against him. “I’ve been a shitty friend, huh?” Gordon shook his head, sitting up and wiping his glasses off from where they had collected more dried tears before slipping them back on. 

‘You’re a wonderful friend. It’s not your fault there’s all of this outside stress. I’m sorry for being so pushy about the intimacy thing earlier. I respect why you wouldn’t want to do all of that. Thanks for the hug, at least. I’m not upset that you’ve moved on.’ It hurt to say, a little bit. From his perspective, he and Barney had been together just a few weeks ago. Things weren’t fair like that anymore, though. 

“It’s not that simple, Gordon. Of course I still love you, I never stopped, but going to war against a fascist alien government and their horde of freakish cops ain’t exactly the foundation for a good relationship. What if one of us gets killed? And again, the age difference thing ain’t something to just brush off.”

Gordon was barely listening after his second statement. He loved him? Still? Never stopped? Barney seemed to catch on to Gordon’s train of thought quickly, but Gordon quickly signed before he could continue. 

‘I love you too,’ he signed, ‘I understand not wanting to date because of,’ Gordon paused, unsure of how to sum up the huge clusterfuck that was their life. ‘Everything going on,’ he decided was appropriate, ‘If you don’t want to be that then I won't be upset. I just…’ He paused and clenched and unclenched his fists a few times. ‘I don’t want to lose you as a friend.’

Barney gave him such a soft, understanding look that made something in Gordon’s chest clench. 

“I’m not saying it’s a firm ‘no,’ Doc. I just think we need to have a few long talks before we settle on anything. Communication is important, alright?” Gordon perked up at that, a smile tugging at his lips for the first time in a while.

‘I think I can live with that.’

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to my dear friend reb, who once again pulled thru with the "beta-ing a fic for a fandom i know nothing about." absolute legend.
> 
> they were watching "a goofy movie" in case you were curious
> 
> if you liked this, drop a comment! i might get inspired to write more for these two if i get enough positive response


End file.
